Leader

5 Things to Communicate

February 15, 2016

In my work as a pastor, leader, counselor and even husband/dad I can confidently say that communication is often what separates best from good and even good from bad. As a people, we tend to assume what others think, mean and plan. And most of our assumptions are the worst, not the best. I'd like to offer 5 ways that your communication can improve just about everything...

A Leader's Best Weapon to Maximize Growth

May 3, 2021

I haven’t met a leader yet who doesn’t want whatever they’re working on to grow! There’s a reason you’re a leader and not a follower. You like to see things get to where they aren’t currently. Most of us who have been a leader for any length of time know that if we aren’t growing personally, we will actually become the “lid” to whatever it is that we are leading. The problem is that our personal growth doesn’t demand our attention like other things do. In fact unless there’s a major relational crisis, job loss or demotion we tend to put it aside, fully intending to “get to it.” We rationalize and justify our lack of effort on our personal growth by explaining to ourselves (and sometimes to others) that we are “in a tough season and once we get through this we will address it”. Only to discover that the “tough season” never seems to end or when it does end, another season pops up right afterwards. So what do we do? If we don’t address this issue, ultimately it will end up limiting our leadership and the organization or team we lead. Just like failing to change the oil or do basic maintenance in a car will cause bigger challenges and a higher price tag. Trust me, as a leader, I’ve paid the higher price tag more times than I would like to admit for my leadership and lack of personal growth. So what’s the secret weapon? It’s just one word, but it’s implications are HUGE. That word is “humility”. By telling ourselves that we will eventually get to it or that our role right now demands 110% of our attention devoted to the organization or team – we are lacking the necessary humility. However, it’s just a decision that can change the game for us! A decision to prioritize the long game over the short game. A decision to focus on the internal rather than just the external. A decision to ask for help and seek it out. Humility is the game changer for the leader. It is humility that will drive you to seek answers to questions you’ve been ignoring. It is humility that will cultivate a strong root system in your character rather than just living off of yesterday’s “fruit”. Since I don’t know your specifics, I can’t prescribe your next steps to grow you personal life, your emotional intelligence, your relational focus points etc. but I can tell you the secret weapon which will unlock what it is that you do need to focus on: humility. Once you enact humility in your life you will begin to look a little deeper inside and discover that there are indeed a few things that could use some attention and potentially some change and growth. I know for me, it was anxieties and insecurities that were at play underneath my dynamic leader exterior. In fact, I began to see how much they were robbing me of opportunities, relational health (not just at work but at home) and organizational culture development. I ended up starting a 10 year journey to healing and transformation that impacted far more than just anxiety and insecurity. But don’t miss the point – it all began with a little humility. Today, I get to coach leaders, c-suite executives and team leads to become a non-anxious presence in their world through my work in the Calm and Confident Leader and my coaching business. Please feel free to reach out if you’re ready to devote some needed attention to your personal development. In the meantime, find ways to activate your secret weapon for maximum growth – humility is the key!

Developing Others

October 23, 2020

Lately, I’ve found myself in a number of environments where I get the privilege of coaching and developing people. In my contexts, it’s a lot of leaders who I coach but I found there are a number of characteristics that determine the effectiveness of development and I believe they will apply to anyone (not just leaders). First is desire, is this something you want to do? I’ve realized that I have to overcome my own selfishness and focus on me in order to develop someone else. Believe it or not this is God’s design for the church and christian community but you may be surprised to see how few people actually care enough about someone else to want to help them grow. In our country we tend to be so individualist and if we’re not focused on our own growth we still typically struggle because we tell ourselves, “it’s not my place to speak into someone else’s life”. The reality is when you coach or influence you’re not saying that you are above or better than that other person, you may just know some things that they don’t know about a certain area or you may have a fresh perspective that they’re not seeing. A good coach is always humble and realizing they are coming alongside someone else not coming over them. Second, is readiness and permission, is the person you want to help ready and willing to allow you a voice in their life? Unfortunately, some of us love to give advice to people who aren’t asking for any. This tends to create hardness and even anger from the person you really want to help. I’ve found that often the person needs to have reached an end of their own resources or abilities in order to be open and ready for an outside voice. But even if that is the case, we still need to ask permission. Simply saying something like, “I think I have a few things that may be helpful for your situation, would you like to hear about that?” Yes, it requires some courage on your part but it’s what God calls us to be for one another. Thirdly, be for them. It’s so subtle but sometimes we can be inadvertently working out something on our own or trying to help the other person develop because it will make our life easier or make them less frustrating to be around. If you have any agenda other than helping them to be the best version of themselves you will not be an effective coach/developer. One of your key roles is to help them see their potential and to believe in the best for them. When people know you are really for them, they will receive even hard words from you but if they sense in the least bit that you have some other agenda, it will go awry quickly. Fourth, have a biblical picture of their future that produces passion. If you don’t know what healthy looks like you will not be able to help anyone get healthy. This means we need to understand what a fully devoted follower of Jesus looks like. We need to study things like the fruit of Spirit in Galatians or the attributes listed in 2 Peter 1 to see some of what a Godly person looks like. You’ll want to paint the picture for them of what they might be like without some of the shame and sin that is currently tainting their lives. And lastly, you need to be in process yourself. When you have the humility and teachability to realize you haven’t arrived yet is the best place to help others. Make sure you’re seeking out others who can speak into your life about your own blindspots and growth areas. Working through your own movement will not only give real life examples that will help others but you’ll also gain a great deal of empathy because you know how challenging growth can be. God wants more for all of us. No, we are not becoming someone different, but the best version of us! And He’s called us into community with each other for the purpose of “spurring one another on to love and good deeds”. Don’t miss the incredible opportunities you have with the people in your sphere of influence.

How to Give Away Authority & Responsibility

January 27, 2016

The larger an organization gets, the more important it is to diversify who has the authority and responsibility. If one person holds it all, they will burn out and the organization will be ineffective (and likely not grow any further, as this creates a "leadership lid"). Yet there is a lot of fear and concern about giving away too much...

Integrated Relational Leadership

August 2, 2020

“Life is about relationships; the rest is just furniture in the room”. – Dr. Frank Green. Through an intensive formation experience with Dr. Frank Green, I quickly realized how most of my life had been focused on “furniture”, those non-relational outcomes, and results. I had often “missed” the real value of people and relationships with them. For me, people became cogs in a machine, rather than teammates and friends. I sought to convince rather than to connect with those who I served alongside. Moving forward I want to lead in ways where we can be empowered together, bringing all of who we are, working together in relationship to bring about the community and contexts that God desires (His kingdom culture explained in the Sermon on the Mount). I’ve been learning so much these past many months. and these recent blog posts are meant to capture these learnings and to share the new path I’m beginning to walk. As I tried to figure out how to communicate how I now think about leadership I came up with the term, “integrated relational leadership”. Allow me to unpack it a little… Integrated: in Christian leadership, we access, utilize, and are impacted by all aspects of our lives. I’ve learned from Romans 12:1 where it says, “offer yourselves as living sacrifices”. That we don’t just offer our spirituality, our gifts, or our religious practices…we offer ourselves, whole and complete. Our past wounds and wins shape us profoundly. Our emotions provide windows into what drives us and how we interpret the events we face. Our human influences both living and dead create “norms” that we live within. Our personal relationships with our families of origin as well as current friends and spouse have a profound impact on who we are and how we operate as human beings. Many of these things have shaped how we’re wired as people and how we think about things. Add to this the unique giftings and experiences that God has orchestrated into our lives. A truly integrated leadership style is aware of, accesses, and heals all of these elements both for the individual as well as for those he/she serves. This is the work I’m doing now and want to help facilitate in others as well as God provides opportunity. Relational: our focus moves from the what to the how we do things. In every context and environment, there are relationships that become the priority. Each relationship impacts the other and therefore if we miss the person, we lose (regardless of how much we “accomplish”). We must remember that we are 100% responsible for everything we think, feel, and do (therefore we don’t blame our feelings or actions on others). And that we are responsible to others to treat them with understanding and respect. Personally, in all environments, I will choose to embrace weakness, knowing that it is not a state I once had, but one I live in all the time. I am continually wrestling with my issues and self-condemnation and interpreting events and comments through filters from my past. Therefore, I will regularly be stopping, backing up, thinking it through, and doing it differently since I am living in greater awareness of my weakness and fears. I am learning to ask better questions, empathize with where the other person is and respond to what they are feeling before addressing the vision or direction. It’s better to build a relationship than to win a debate. The key aspect of the integrated relational leader is building community on the teams we serve. The focus is to demonstrate and lead from a community that is exemplifying the attributes we want to invite those we lead into. We begin to realize that the more we each do our own internal work and come alongside each other, that the healthier we will each become. The less we isolate and highlight aspects of ourselves (try to prove ourselves) and rather integrate all of our lives into our ministry, the more effective we will be as leaders. Ministry now can far exceed the “bottom-lines” that corporate America pushes towards, presenting a new transformational, gospel-centered reality. The goal is now who we become together not what we accomplish. Outcomes and results move to the outgrowth of a well-functioning team, not the goal themselves. The leader in this integrated relational system becomes less a “hero” and more of a “facilitator”. They brainstorm solutions with the team and seek an outcome that we can all own (even if it’s not the one they would have chosen singularly). Thier goal will be to exhibit characteristics such as collaboration, empowerment, integration, innovation, and collective intelligence since it becomes less about the individual and more about the team. They lead from authentic transparency and vulnerability recognizing how they are influenced both by negative and positive things from their past and current wounds and wins. They want to lead aware of what’s happening inside of them. The leader in this new system is emotionally intelligent and spiritually dependent. Their pursuit is wisdom, applying God’s truth with great skills and love. The kingdom of God exists in how relationships are done, and the integrated relational leader wants to offer understanding and respect as a demonstration of the Gospel’s power in our lives.

Moving At The Speed of Trust

July 23, 2020

“If you think you’re a leader and no one is following you, you’re simply just going for a walk.” Have you ever wondered why you can have the best plans, a compelling vision and even a great strategy and yet still not make progress? One of the key skills of a seasoned leader is learning to “move at the speed of trust”. There are a number of factors that play into this and a few suggested approaches to building what’s needed. I’ve come to realize that I’d rather move together towards a lesser goal or imperfect solution rather than alone to the idyllic. Your team may love your idea and even agree that it’s the best solution, but if they don’t trust you they won’t move with you or they’ll move but not be fully invested. Trust obviously requires character and integrity and you either live with that or you don’t. However, there are also things that contribute to building trust and they are often experienced rather than spoken. First of all, trust is built through listening and asking great questions. People will not typically follow someone who they don’t think understands them or their viewpoint. Leaders who tend to talk too much, convince too hard, and refuse to take a real interest in their teammates will find they are alone. The key is to develop ownership around an idea or solution. People will own what they contribute to more than what they’re convinced of – spend more time allowing others to contribute than you do trying to convince. Secondly, value the person. If your team thinks you see them only as cogs in the machine or objects to be manipulated (even if your intentions are good and your focus is on the vision) they won’t follow you. When you focus on being “for” the individual and wanting them to experience fulfillment they’re much more likely to commit. This means you’ll need to take interest in what makes the other person tick. Thirdly, take your time. The reality is, even though we live in a microwave culture, trust takes time. If you activate the other skills you can speed up the process slightly, but the reality is people need to see consistently who you are and how you treat them. The good news is once the trust is built, momentum typically will follow. Moving at the speed of trust involves personal, individual conversations with those you’re leading. It’s about not being anxious to move ahead but giving your attention to the individual. Trust is all about relationships and people will quickly discover whether you value the relationship or value the objective. Objectives are important but never over relationships and never before relationships. In my experience, most leaders lean either toward objectives or relationships and the need is both. However, what is critical is the order of events. Build the relationship first, together agree on and own the objectives and then move forward together. Some leaders will be frustrated at moving at the speed of trust, but I’ve been learning the hard way that it’s the ONLY way to move! This is because you will get more accomplished, changes will be more solid and impact will be long-lasting, plus you may just end up making friends rather than merely colleagues.

Show Up!

February 1, 2016

I am amazed at the similarities we all have when it comes to fear. Having been in leadership positions since I was quite young, I can honestly say that I feel as much or more fear than most. So leaders are not those without fear, but those who lean in and engage even though they are afraid.

The Power of The Lobby

July 30, 2020

I have learned so much over the past few months and seen significant shifts in some of my values and priorities. One discovery I made was not so much a new discovery but a refreshing rediscovery: people are amazing. As a pastor, you obviously interact with people a lot. Some drain you, some energize you, some frustrate you and some encourage you. And when things are moving fast, I find it has been easy to “miss” people. As a leader, if you’re not careful, people can become cogs in the machine or even seen as roadblocks to progress. One of the rediscovered I’ve made lately is how amazing people are if you just stop long enough and take enough interest to actually see the wonder! Let me share a few ways people can amaze you. One of my favorite parts of weekend services was standing in the lobby and interacting with people. Many times I would get the chance to hear a little slice of someone’s story, offer a hug, and even pray with people. It’s one of the things I love about being a pastor. I will say, I didn’t always love this part. For probably 5-6 years when I started as a lead pastor, I didn’t hang out in the lobby. I’ll let you into a little secret, I was scared. I don’t know why I was scared, but I was. I didn’t know what people would say, and I wouldn’t have considered myself good at small talk, so I was nervous. Often after the sermon, I would stand upfront in the auditorium and it typically would be the same 4-5 people who could come to talk. It wasn’t until my parents started looking for a new church that I learned the power of the lobby. I remember chatting on the phone with them after a recent church visit. They timed it, they stood in the lobby looking very much like “visitors” and after 20 minutes no one talked to them. And I thought to myself, someone’s parents are present in our church every week and they’re looking for someone to say “hi”. I pushed through my fears and anxieties and made it happen. Guess what? It quickly became one of my favorite times of the weekend services. I started seeing people through different eyes and saw what a difference it made for them. I thought to myself, we all have anxieties in meeting new people so let’s just engage together and see what happens? It’s been great. But lately, something has shifted even further. It used to be that I would talk with new people for their sake, it made them feel at home. But I’m coming to realize something most of you probably already knew: people are amazing! Today, as I get to meet people I am fascinated and excited. Everyone has a story, a set of experiences that have formed opinions and values. And if you will take the time you’ll get to hear some of their story which will cause you to empathize, be inspired, challenged, or just to connect. If there’s one thing this whole Covid nonsense has shown us it’s the power of relationships. We need them and they need us. We are truly better together. I no longer see connecting with people as part of my job but as a privilege of my life. I feel silly writing all this because my guess is most of you probably knew all this already, but for me, it’s been a wide-eyed adventure waiting to be discovered. Like I said, being a slight extrovert (I’m right over the line on my Meyers Briggs) I’ve always been around people but it has come alive for me in some really big ways lately. So how do you and I have the amazing discoveries of one another that make a real difference? Allow me to offer some things I’m learning: 1. Don’t let anxiety cause you to miss out. I used to put so much pressure on myself to have the right thing to say and I’m realizing most people have some level of anxiety when they meet someone. Realize you’re not alone, push through it, and show up. Maybe this first point should just be that: Show Up! If you don’t make the move to the lobby (metaphorically speaking) you’ll never meet anyone. 2. Be Yourself. Let me tell you as someone who’s been there, done that, trying to maintain an image is exhausting. If you try to be what someone else wants you to be, you’ll have to keep up that image always and if it’s not you, it will tire you out. Plus, you are a lot more interesting than you may realize! Let people get to know the real you. 3. Take Interest. Everyone seems to be focused on themselves, don’t be one of them. You’ll be amazed at how much people will want to know about you once they know you want to know them! I’m learning to ask more questions and make less interjections of my opinions. Often people will tell you something hoping you will dig a little deeper. My guess is you’ve been in those conversations where the other person sends out a trial balloon, hoping someone will care enough to ask, “tell me more about that”. I’m learning that taking real interest is the magic of the relationship! 4. Empathize With Their Journey. Here’s the thing, the book of Genesis makes it clear, we are living in a broken world. You will likely not meet anyone who does not have significant pain in their story. First recognize that many times people will be speaking from their pain, so don’t take it personally, it’s likely not about you. Second, share the EMOTION that you’d likely feel when hearing their story. People respond to emotion more than facts. Sharing emotions build strong connections. I’m not an expert in this area but I am having a blast meeting people and going deeper with acquaintances lately (who are now becoming friends). There are a lot of really great people out there but so many of us miss out because we don’t take the time to truly connect. Our world needs more “lobbies” where we can meet, chat, and truly connect. People are amazing, go discover just how amazing they are!

Why Aren't We Growing?

November 21, 2016

It was year eight at my current church. We had made significant changes to update our worship experience, align our leadership, create outreach activities and a number of other key actions one will typically do to prepare a church for growth. A number of people left the church during those first three or four years (during all the change) but somehow we managed to hang on and build a healthy church. Our staff was full of hard workers, our elders were on board and excited about our future. The only problem? There was little to no growth. Sure we were able to sustain, we saw the number of people who came to faith double each year and we did see many new people but they seemed to replace the natural movement due to relocations and other positive reasons for leaving. So as the lead pastor I was in a place where I felt like my bag of tricks was empty and no church growth program was going to change anything. I couldn’t figure it out. Are some churches just meant to be plateaued in the same place? There were a ton of churches around our church that were growing like crazy, opening up multiple campuses and talking about their new plans, new staff and new buildings. I began to wonder, “am I the wrong leader? did I take them as far as I could take them? was there something in me?” How do we deal with a church that sees little to no growth? I think the first thing I did and I would recommend anyone in similar position to do is some “self evaluation”? You must ask the questions about your leadership. You’ve got to take time away with God to reflect on who you are, what you’re doing, what you’re not doing and why. I found great value in personal counseling and coaching as well. Having someone focus on your growth, development and blind spots is incredibly important. Don’t assume that the issue is out there when it could be in the mirror. This is a process and will likely take longer than a weekend. The second thing we learned and I think this is the key to potential break through. It’s all about perspective. I should tell you, I am a very analytical person. I am not afraid to look at facts. I love to evaluate and make things better. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that there is nothing I’m not seeing – it’s just “not working” is what I would tell you. In my case, all of that changed when we partnered with Intentional Churches. It’s not that these guys have some silver bullet but they brought two things that I didn’t have before. First was a process that facilitated asking the right questions, not just of me as the leader but of a whole group of people from our church. One of the things they said was, “the truth is in the room”. We were able to get perspective from each other that we didn’t have before. That perspective would soon completely change where we spent our time, our energy and our money. And the amazing thing to me is that perspective was right there in our room, we just hadn’t really asked for it in a way that was actionable. We focused on our results, but not what was driving those results. The second thing they brought was a coach. For twelve months we were not alone, we had an experienced church leader walking with us through it all. This allowed us to have an “outside voice” and an outside perspective who was living through many of the things we were facing at his own church. It’s not about Intentional Churches per se, but it is about perspective. While I don’t know your situation, my guess is there may be a perspective that you’re either unaware of or unwilling to see/hear. In our case, the right perspective teamed with the a new operating system made all the difference. We’re growing again, in fact the last eight weekends we are up about a hundred people each weekend compared to last year. We are seeing more spiritual growth and people pursuing spiritual growth as well. We have momentum and movement and it’s exciting to be a part of our church. While I know all too well how it feels to be stagnated and while I’d love to see even more progress than we are currently making – I believe it’s the perspective that we need to stay focused on and unafraid to see. And the greatest perspective of all? God loves you, your church and wants to see His mission go forward, unhindered and that is bigger than anything we can do.

Why Vision Doesn't Become Reality

December 25, 2015

It’s a tragedy really–great ideas that never see the light of day or even great ideas that do see the light of day but remain just that…ideas. I’ve met many leaders over the years who are super bright and full of vision...