Family

Avoiding Conflict Before It Starts

December 26, 2015

There is unnecessary conflict that happens in all relationships, especially in marriages. While I wouldn't dare try to simplify all conflict to one article, there is one cause that could eliminate a lot of tensions. ..

Dance Lessons

August 8, 2020

In every marriage (and even lots of close relationships) the couple gets in a pattern or cycle. One person behaves in a certain way (often flowing from a thought pattern, insecurity, or past wound) and the other person then reacts to that behavior (again often from their own dysfunctions, insecurities, or past wounds). Oftentimes it seems this pattern or cycle seems customized for the couple. What I mean is the behavior of one seems perfectly (negatively) designed to evoke a response in the other person that feeds the first person's insecurity and bad behavior. While not original with me, I call this the couple's "dance". Each person does their dance moves and the other reciprocates with their dance steps and the couple dances along. The problem is these dances are typically not healthy and do not lead to positive experiences. And the bigger problem is they become so natural and even comfortable that the thought of not dancing this way seems crazy and impossible. And the even bigger problem is that often these "dances" are invisible, we become blind to them. What happens is some super stressful situation enters into the marriage or one person all of sudden has this sense that, "I can't live this way anymore!" They may not be aware of the dance but they just know it's not working and they don't want to go forward. Or the dance was fine in our normal experiences (it was tolerable but far from ideal) but once this new stress entered in, the old pattern wasn't sufficient for the new challenges. Obviously there is a lot that goes into this whole thing, but for the purposes of this blog, we will introduce the subject. We give some examples of some "dances". And we will hopefully bring the cycle to the forefront so that it can be dealt with. In actuality, the solution is typically new dance steps that must be learned, which goes beyond the confines of this blog post. The good news however is even if just one person decides to no longer "dance their dance" it will promote conversation and movement. This means that even if both people are not aware of the dance, one person has the power to begin to move the couple to a new dance simply by refusing to dance their steps. I highly recommend however that you do this with a professional biblical counselor who can help you learn new ways to connect and communicate. One of the most common dances is "blame - defend". In this dance one person tends to blame things on the other. They blame for a number of reasons, but one of the most common is to not take personal responsibility and make the other person take care of them. If you ever found yourself or heard someone else say, "you make me so angry!" The reality is we can't "make" anyone feel anything. We can do things that may trigger or tempt the other person to feel something, but they still choose how they interpret the event and how they will respond. The other dancer tends to then defend what they meant, how much their doing, or blames their behavior back on the other person. When this dance begins, true communication shuts down and no one is "hearing" the other person and no one is connecting emotionally with the other person. In my marriage, I have had some seasons of insecurity and feeling worthless. This tends to make me move towards Lisa with "needy" energy, asking her to affirm me and make me feel worth something. Often when I come at Lisa with this energy, she tends to react by pulling away, protecting herself, and becoming independent realizing I can't care for her. Well, you can imagine what that response does to someone who is feeling worthless and needy? Exactly, it strengthens my bad behavior and I increase my neediness. This dance can be called "Pursue - Flee". The more the pursuer pursues, the more the fleer flees and it gets to a dark place quite quickly. Another popular dance is called "Parent-Child" and in this dance one person tends to play the role of a parent. They try to control the other person and will use nagging and manipulation if necessary. The other regresses to a childlike state and shirks responsibility, does the bare minimum, or shuts down completely like an adolescent. This obviously makes the "parent" dancer more controlling, nagging, and parental. As you can imagine this cycle as well begins to get dark real quick. There are other dances or variations such as "Problem - Fixer"; "Assume - React" and "Attack - Withdraw" and dozens more. By learning to name what is happening you'll be able to respond appropriately. As I mentioned above, most couples are blind to their dance and therefore unable to change it. Others are too comfortable in their dance and not willing to do the hard work to learn new steps. The Bible warns us of the power of things that remain in the dark. But when brought into the light there is some great opportunity for God's grace and movement. For now, let's focus on identifying your dance. Maybe you have some variation of one of the dances mentioned above? Think back to your last frustrating encounter and ask yourself what was going on? See if you notice a pattern that's been ongoing (even if the scenario is different). Then try to identify what each person's dance steps are. What if you stopped doing your steps? What might the opposite steps be? What if you sat down with your spouse (when you weren't dancing) and shared your observations and how it makes you feel when you're dancing? What if together you could talk about a new dance? Invite Jesus to not only reveal what's happening but help you to change for His glory. He loves it when marriages are working right. He's very concerned that you're experiencing His intentions for your marriage. So you can know when you pray these prayers, you are in His will. We'll talk more about this in the future!

Good Question!

September 23, 2016

All questions are not equal. We have all been on the other side of a question that put us on the defensive and sounded more like a statement or accusation. As kids we learned to sniff out the fact finding question that was about to incriminate us. Questions can be incredibly powerful in relationships but what question and how we ask the question makes all the difference. In today's families communication is at a premium as it's become more and more rare. Whether it's husband and wife, mom to daughter, mom to son, dad to anyone, we seem to move through life at a fast pace, talking only about facts, schedules and maybe a few frustrations. When we ask each other questions, it seems often to be more about us than the other person. So how do we turn this around? How do we bring health and depth to our family relationships? It's all wrapped up in the power of a good question! So before we get into the questions, we need to do some looking in the mirror. I want to start with you, the question asker, before we get to the questions because there are a few things we can do, sometimes without realizing it, that can hurt the process.Why are we asking questions? (Because I read about it on this great blog! ha) What do we hope to gain from our time? Do we have an ulterior intention (then getting to know the other person)? If we approach another person with an agenda or if it's perceived that we're trying to incriminate them, the authenticity of the process is sabotaged. Sure, there are times to discover facts, sort out truth etc. but those are not the kind of questions we're talking about in this article. The other thing we should be aware of is our own insecurities and fears. Sometimes we can approach our children or even our spouse in a way to find validation or display our neediness. When this happens, the person doesn't feel a sincere interest to know them, but rather to ease your struggles. What may have started out with seemingly pure motives of care, are then reversed and cast a different message. Make sure that you know who you are in God's eyes, fully loved and accepted and called to love and accept others without a selfish agenda. Now, once you've done a little soul searching it's time to think about your questions. First, think about what you want to know about the other person. What do they value? What are their dreams? what are they afraid of? concerned about? proud of? When are they most nervous? When do they feel most confident? What are they hoping happens in the next year? Everyone wants to be known and to be known means beyond the surface, beyond what everyone can see. Obviously this means we should avoid "yes/no" questions and even "fact" questions should be kept to a minimum. The heart is the driver of the feelings. When you learn what and why someone feels something, they often feel valued and known by you. Secondly, create space - one of the best times for questions for me is when I take my daughters on a "daddy-daughter date". As we sit across from one another at a restaurant I learn the areas they struggle with in school, the teachers who made their day and the aspirations they have. The kind of questions that have the most impact will not happen in passing, but when you're looking for it, space will present itself. The other day, my daughter missed the bus and I needed to drive her to school, the 10 minutes in the car was a great way to deepen my connection with her. My wife and I were early to an event we were attending and instead of popping on our phones while we waited, I utilized the new found space for some heartfelt questions. Next, dig deeper with follow up questions. Many times people will dangle a little fact or feeling quickly in what seems like passing during a conversation. However, if you train yourself to notice them, you'll find they become keys to dig deeper. For example, someone might say, "once I got through a less than positive lunch, then I had to run to the library and then after the library it was straight home." The opportunity was presented in the comment about lunch. "So, what made lunch less than positive?" And your off and running. You see often people will throw a sentence in like that to see if someone cares enough to dig a little deeper. So many of us miss these and miss opportunities to discover that an old friend walked past her at lunch that day and gave her a look that made her feel two inches big and caused her to think about all in her life that wasn't going right. As strongly implied in the previous paragraph, and I think I'll wrap this up with this...actively listen. That means I can't listen and think about how what I'm going to say next, I need to listen to understand. I want to know you, I want to know how you think. I want to know what you value. I want to know what hurts you and what sends you soaring. Because at the end of the day, a good question is really about loving the other person. It's about sending the message that you matter and what you think and feel matters to me! As I discover more about you, I learn how to better love you and encourage you and that is a game changer for our relationship!  

How to Talk to Your Kids about Santa Claus

December 19, 2017

How do you handle the “Santa dilemma” at your house? Christian parents seem to be divided into two camps on this issue—those that are okay with their kids believing in Santa and those that think he is a tool of the devil (yikes!)  Here’s a middle ground you might use when talking to your kids about Santa. When your child has questions about the dude in the red suit at the mall, you might start by saying something like this:  “Honey, families all over the world have legends and stories about a person like Santa Claus, and children love to believe in him.  Santa represents a lot of the things that are good, like kindness, generosity, and fun.” You can also tell your kids about the real Saint Nicolas, who Santa Claus is based on.  He was born in Turkey, about two hundred years after Jesus.  Nicolas was follower of Christ, and as a teenager he heard about a poor family that couldn’t afford to buy food.  He sneaked up to their house one night and tossed a handful of gold coins through the window. They were overjoyed when they found the coins the next morning, but they never found out who did it. Nicholas was so thrilled about helping a family in need that this became a regular habit for him. His family was wealthy, so he dedicated his entire life to sharing what he had with others.   He later became a bishop in the village of Myra, and because of his humility was later given the title of sainthood.  Today we know him as “St. Nick,” and some cultures believe he still comes around once a year, giving gifts to those in need. Of course, we also should also be talking to our kids about how God sent his only Son to take on the form of a human being over 2000 years ago.  Baby Jesus grew up to give his life for every one of us, and we remember his sacrifice at Easter.  Starting at an early age, we can explain to our kids that while believing in Santa is fun, believing in Jesus has eternal value.  A relationship with Him gives our lives true meaning and purpose, and it guarantees that after we die, we will live with Him forever! Merry Christmas from all of us at Life in Process!  

How to Talk to Your Kids About the Florida School Shooting

February 16, 2018

It’s another tough week in America.  If you’re like me, you’ll still trying to wrap your mind around what happened Wednesday afternoon in Parkland, Florida. In the aftermath of the school shooting, I’d encourage you to be cautious about exposing your kids to the news coverage of the tragedy.  Young children don’t have the ability to abstract, and they might believe the shootings occurred nearby…in their own town or neighborhood.  They may even fear that a “bad guy with a gun” will come to their school. If your child has already seen TV coverage of the tragedy, take the time to talk about what they saw and how it made them feel.  Give them a chance to express their emotions and don’t minimize their fears, even if they are unrealistic. If they ask “why did this happen?” it’s okay to say “no one really understands.”  You can also explain that because we live in a fallen world, evil exists and that some people are capable of doing terrible things.  But make sure to balance that fact with the truth that God loves us, and that He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us, no matter what happens in this life. Take time to pray with your kids this week and remind them that prayer is simply “talking to God” and is something we can do anytime, anywhere.  You might lead them in prayer by saying something like this: “Father, we don’t understand why this horrible thing happened.  We are so sad about the kids who lost their lives at that school and what their families are going through right now.  Please help them, and bring caring Christians around them during their time of grief.  And help us not to be afraid when bad things happen in our world.” Here are two bible verses you may want to memorize as a family this week: 1 Peter 5:7--"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” Philippians 4:6-7--"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

What Could We Be?

September 22, 2016

There are times in every family where relationships get difficult. Sometimes it's the whole family unit, but often it's two people in the family who have difficultly. When things are difficult often at least one of the people tend to feel like giving up, giving in or just accepting that this is "just how it will be". When there is frustration or futility, I've found the following exercise to be a great tool. The tool is called "re-envisioning our relationship". The way it works is you take some time aside, by yourself with a notebook and pen (or a computer) and start imagining the relationship without the presence of sin or selfishness. What I mean is what would this relationship look like if it were operating the way God designed it to operate? As you contemplate the questions start writing. Don't write about a generic relationship but write specifically about the relationship with that person. What qualities do they have that if they weren't buried under sin and brokenness would come out and be beautiful? What aspects of their personality could be so powerful if they weren't corrupted by sin? How would the two of you converse if there wasn't the presence of whatever it is that's causing the pain right now? For example, if I wasn't concerned about saving face or winning the argument, how would I talk? Take the time to really think about what they would be AND what you would be. One aspect of this exercise that will happen is you'll begin to believe the best or at least better about the person. When things are difficult we tend to only see the bad, the pain, the fear all of the stuff that taints and corrupts all the good. This tool allows us to at least begin to see the potential in the other person and the potential in the relationship which will already help you make progress. While changing our mindset will begin to move things forward, this tool is typically not enough for change to occur. However, this tool becomes the fuel and motivation needed to move forward. And this tool also can help you pinpoint some of the behaviors in you (and even in the other person) that are currently getting in the way. This will hopefully be a helpful thing to bring to a counselor or third party that could help you grow. If we don't see the picture of what our relationship could look like, we often aren't motivated to even seek counsel or help. But once we get a clear picture of what our relationship could actually be, we become more passionate and hopeful that change is possible. Depending on how long the difficultly has been present, will often determine the amount of time and work will be required to learn and acclimate to new behaviors and ways of interacting. But the pure picture is what you'll need when you're tempted to give up, give in or accept that it will always be -- God has more for you - don't miss it!

What If I'm the Only One? Marriage

December 26, 2015

One of the questions that always comes up when we discuss Christian marriage is “what if I’m the only one?” This question tends to have a variety of forms...